surviving kit for san francisco & the bay area
I lived in San Francisco, California for 4 years. This is one of the weirdest places I have ever been to, it does feel like another dimension. The Bay Area is just like living in Black Mirror.
This part of America is one of the wealthiest and most technological. People from all around the world move there for work, as one of the most desired places to be at, in terms of salary.
There are 3 options: you either love it, hate it, or you are in a bubble inside of a community that gives you a strong identity (tech, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc). If you fall into the latter category, congratulations! You are not compatible with the Bay Area American mindset.
If you find yourself loving it, it could be attributed to a money-oriented pursuit of wealth mindset that aligns with the pervasive culture of consumerism and individualism. Alternatively, you might reject moral norms, seeking to indulge in unbridled debauchery and unfiltered freedom, disregarding the usual ethical guidelines.
The third possibility is that you've become ensnared in a secluded bubble, within a specific community or consumed by work to the extent that you've lost touch with the realities surrounding you. Without awareness, my friend, you might find yourself unwittingly trapped and that is where lies the subtle danger.
Before we dive into today's topic, let's get one thing straight. If you're feeling a little prickly about my take on the Bay Area, I totally get it. If you're from there or currently soaking up the Cali vibes, and my opinions don't exactly align with your own, no hard feelings if you need to close this window now.
But here's the deal: I'm all about fostering a space for open dialogue and critical thinking. So, my hope is that we can all grow and develop the ability to analyze our surroundings with a dash of maturity and a sprinkle of emotional intelligence. Trust me, it's a game-changer!
Alright, friends, buckle up!! I've got something special for those of you who are just stepping foot into the whirlwind that is the Bay Area. Trust me when I say this survival kit is your ticket to navigating this wild ride.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BAND AIDS
Californians are well known for being passive agressive. If you are not familiar with this concept, its basically a mix of hypocrisy with lack of confidence.
But let me define it for you deeper. A passive aggressive behaviour is a pattern of indirect and often subtle actions or words that express negative feelings, resistance, or hostility toward someone or something. There's a disconnect between what a person who exhibits passive-aggressive behavior says, and what he or she does.
These people normally find very challenging to address conflict or concerns directly because of lack of character. They may be afraid of confrontation or rejection. If you have never lived in a culture like this, you have to be very careful, for me this was the most challenging things to navigate when I move to the Bay Area. Californians use the expression: “Walking on eggshells”. It means being careful not to offend or upset someone.
How do passive aggressive people express their discontent? They use sarcasm, subtle insults, or nonverbal cues to convey their dissatisfaction.
How do passive aggressive people act? They are really good at pretending, avoiding and gossiping. It is an accepted practice to talk behind people in California, so be careful because they might smile at you and backstab your with your boss, colleagues and friends without you even realizing it. This could include purposely making mistakes at work, spreading rumors, or setting someone up for failure.
It's important to note that passive-aggressive behavior can be challenging to deal with, as it can be subtle and hard to pinpoint. Effective communication and conflict resolution skills are essential when dealing with passive-aggressive individuals to address underlying issues and encourage more direct and healthy forms of communication.
How to deal with it if it happens at the workplace or in you social circle?
Do not ignore this behavior and let it pass, If you let this slide, it's only going to get worse. Americans sometimes struggle with boundaries, thanks in part to their education system. So, keep an eye out and address it head-on.
Have a private discussion: Create a safe and non-confrontational space where they can openly discuss their concerns and feelings.
Provide feedback: Californians often exhibit childlike behavior and are no strangers to gaslighting, so share specific examples of the behavior you've observed, making sure to focus on actions rather than personal attacks.
Active Listening
Offer Solutions
Set Expectations
Involve a Mediator: If the behavior continues despite your efforts, consider involving a neutral third-party mediator, such as an HR specialist or an external consultant.
Avoid these people if you can in a non professional setting. These people are very problematic. Be always very direct, this scares them and unsettle them when met with a strong personality. I would recommend you to confront them in public when the gossip is out of control, I PROMISE, they will stop.
2. GENDER IDEOLOGY MANUAL
If you are from another culture and you come to the Bay Area you are in a LGBTQIA+ territory. LGBTQIA+ are acronyms used to describe the community of people who do not identify as heterosexual, straight or cisgender.
Let me give you some context. During the 50’s and 60’s people in this group were often referred to as the "gay community” but later in the 70’s, political movements started to bring attention to the “gay rights movement” recognizing that the term gay didn’t encompass all sexual orientations. In the 80's the LGTB acronym gained popularity and was adopted by many organizations by the 90's.
Castro Neighborhood, San Francisco
Before explaining you what the letters mean, I must warn you about something. If you are coming from a conservative society and you are a straight person willing to date, have in mind that people in the Bay Area are very free and it is very unlikely that you will find someone 100% straight.
When I tried to date in San Francisco, I discovered pretty quickly that a good chunk of the guys born and bred in the Bay Area either identify as bisexual, have had some homosexual experience exploring their sexuality, identify as non-binary, or proudly wear the queer label. It's not all that different for the women, although the frequency might be a tad lower. Keep an eye out for some elevated levels of promiscuity among men and women.
I took this picture from a house window at the Castro Neighborhood in San Francisco
The reason is, growing up in the Bay Area often involves some serious encouragement to explore one's sexuality since their childhood at school with the gender ideology, and that tends to stick around for a good while. There is even a LGBTQIA+ neighborhood in San Francisco called Castro.
I can tell you from my experience that 90% of the men I met that were born and raised in the Bay Area have had any type of homosexual experiences. It did not mean necessarily that they were gay or identified as such. It is just part of their sexuality history.
Another thing to take into account is that being a very masculine or feminine person has a negative connotation, remember being heterosexual or what they call "cisgender” there is being a minority.
Navigating conversations about preferences can be a bit tricky, tread carefully, especially if you admire traditional masculinity or femininity. Some individuals might take offense, relating such remarks to their strong stance against toxic masculinity and rigid gender roles for both men and women. A friend of mine was almost taken to court because she told a queer guy that he was not masculine enough. So be careful with these type of comments.
I have made a list of the terms that you will hear, that if you are not familiar with them you are going to feel completely lost…this is going to be helpful to understand what is going on in the city:
“L” stands for Lesbian: describes a woman who is physically, emotionally, or romantically attracted to other women.
“G”stands for Gay: describes a person who is physically, emotionally, or romantically attracted to people within the same gender.
“B”stands for Bisexual: describes a person who is physically, emotionally, or romantically attracted to people within more than one sex, gender, or gender identity.
“T” stands for Transgender: describes a person whose gender identity or expression is different than their sex assigned at birth.
Non binary: describes a person whose gender identity falls outside of strictly male or strictly female.
Gender fluid: describes a person whose gender identity or expression changes over time.
“Q” stands for Queer: an adjective used by some people whose sexual orientation is not exclusively heterosexual or straight. It’s an umbrella term that includes people who have non-binary or gender-fluid identities.
Genderqueer: describes a person who does not follow static categories of gender, embracing a fluidity of gender identity and, oftentimes, sexual orientations.
Gender non-conforming: describes a person who does not abide by traditional or cultural expectations in regards to appearance or behavior of their gender.
“I” stands for intersex: describes a person who is born with differences in their sex traits or reproductive anatomy that don’t fit typical definitions of female or male.
“A”stands for asexual: describes a person who lacks sexual attraction or desire for other people. It’s different from celibacy, in which people make a choice to abstain from sexual activity.
“+”stands for plus: It is a symbol that represents members of the community who identify with a sexual orientation or gender identity that isn’t included within the LGBTQ acronym.
“2S” stands for two-spirit: traditionally originated from the Native American Culture that describes people who are male, female, or intersex and have both a male and female spirit within them. It’s sometimes referred to as a third gender.
“P” stands for pansexual: describes a person who may have a physical, emotional, or romantic attraction to people of any gender. They may not experience these feelings at the same time or in the same way or level.
“A” stands for ally: it is a second “A” that describes a person who actively supports the LGBTQ community. It includes people who are straight.
Alright, folks, listen up. Here's an important tip to keep in mind: If you accidentally misgender someone and they express their feelings respectfully, be sure to respond with the same level of respect. Remember, you have the right to perceive people based on your own reality, just as they have the right to be perceived as they wish.
In case you are wondering what pronoun "ze" means, it tends to be thought of as gender neutral, it can be a man, a woman, both, neither, or something else entirely…
However, if their response is more heated and includes anger, frustration, raised tone and/or lack of manners no need to hit the panic button and avoid engaging further. Keep your cool and handle the situation with grace and be always respectful. Your best bet? Walk away, it's better to be safe and swiftly make your exit.
One of the things I notice is that people give so much importance to their pronouns in the Bay Area, that they put them in their Social Media, Resume and LinkedIn. This is not necessary, you do not have to do it if you do not want to.
Castro, the LGTBQA+ neighborhood of San Francisco
Before we wrap up, here's a little story from my early says in San Francisco. So, I'm on the hunt for a place, making calls left and right, and I stumble upon this rad couple. Super friendly vibes, you know, I swing by to check out the spot, and then they hit me with the "LGTB friendly" question. A bit clueless, I get the lowdown, they were a married couple, both proudly "queer”.
Here's the kicker: she drops a bombshell, letting me know she's a lesbian, so I should not be shocked when her lovers swing by on weekends. She also explained her husband's occasional hallway appearances in some killer female garb. No need to freak out, she assured me hahahaha.
North Beach Neighborhood in San Francisco
They even extended an invite to their weekend parties, which apparently were off-the-charts wild, she said I could join their occasional orgies since I was going to be like part of their family if I rented the place.
I politely passed, kept on with my search. Not quite the scene I was after, but hey, it sure made for an interesting story!, I am way too traditional for a city like San Francisco… The place was not in Castro, was in Northbeach, just in case you were wondering…
3. A VALUE THERMOMETER, IN CASE u’RE LOOSING your moral VALUES
When you move to the Bay Area from another country or another city city in the U.S., you get hypnotize the first year about the abundance and prosperity of the place. it is a dream place with some of the world's highest salaries on offer…it's easy to fall into the allure of it all…
In our rapidly evolving world, traditional values often find themselves at a crossroads. Modernization, globalization, and cultural shifts can sometimes challenge the foundations of our time-honored beliefs and practices. The question that arises is how to recognize when you might be losing touch with your traditional values and, more importantly, how to safeguard and nurture them. Then, how to find the balance?
The reason I decided to talk about this, was because I consider this subject very important.
Let me share a little personal journey that brought this topic to light. When I first landed in the Bay Area, I couldn't help but feel like I'd stumbled into a whole other dimension. Amidst the initial confusion, I found my mind occasionally attempting to strike up deals with my values, an inner tug-of-war I refused to succumb to, I resisted negotiating my values with all my might.
Despite staying true to myself, I couldn't shake the feeling of being at odds with the prevailing values around me. It got to a point where I began questioning my very sense of self, my own identity…Imagine yourself living in a place where you think totally opposite to the majority of people in terms of values, that it comes to a point that you feel you are probably wrong…a place where you there are few people like you, even the ones from your own country changed and adopted the values of the place.
It was very frustrating living in a place where for example lying was not a big deal since everyone does it, or believing in monogamy was a very old-fashioned way of thinking…
And that, my friends, was the moment of realization. It dawned on me, that my mind was quietly but significantly readjusting itself in response to the new culture. And thus, the daily mind check ritual became my go-to tool, but this is something very exhausting.
Let's take a look at some clear signs that you might be veering away from your fundamental values:
Changing Priorities: When you find yourself consistently prioritizing new interests or pursuits over your values. For example: money. My advice: do not put making money as your priority, you will regret and after a while you will feel empty inside.
Limited Engagement: When you find yourself pulling away from activities that used to matter, for example you do not have time for your family anymore or the people that were important to you before. It could be a sign that your values are taking a back seat.
Cultural Apathy: Ignoring, neglecting or forgetting where you are coming from suggests a departure from your traditional roots.
Perception of uniqueness: Many of the people that come to the Bay Area perceive themselves as unique and different once they adopt the mindset of the place, without realizing they are just the same as everyone else there. Being different and traditional is not a negative thing. In fact, people from open mind societies respect those who preserved their values.
Stay true and loyal to yourself, do not be a people pleaser: If you feel uncomfortable doing something you do not want or feel like, do not do it. It does not matter what people say or think. This applies when it comes to drugs or the way of living ur sexuality.
I need to share the last story folks!
This is a real heart-to-heart story about a dear friend and our language exchange sessions at a cozy Russian Cafe in San Francisco. You see, my friend and I had this routine where we'd share an hour of English and an hour of Spanish every Monday. While I spilled my heart out, she kept things pretty close to the chest.
Now, here's the thing about American culture: sharing anything that makes them feel vulnerable is often seen as a weakness, and letting out frustrations with friends seems like a toxic behaviour… Crazy, right? I mean, vulnerability is what strengthens bonds, isn't it? But hey, different strokes for different folks…
Golden Gate Park in San Francisco
So, as I was preparing to leave San Francisco we met at the Golden Gate Park for a pique nique to say bye, our farewell meet-up took a surprising turn. For the first time, she opened up, revealing that her boyfriend wanted an open relationship just before Burning Man, the famous festival in Nevada. He explained her he wanted to sleep with a couple a people at the festival, being one of them his ex girlfriend…
Now, she wasn't exactly thrilled about it, but she went along, caught in the whirlwind of love and cohabitation. I did my best to caution her, sharing stories from acquaintances who had gone down the same road, and the fallout wasn't pretty.
Burning Man festival in Nevada
I told her to be loyal to herself. I couldn't stress it enough. I shed light on the toxicity of this idea that in my opinion was compromising her own values for the sake of fitting in or not being left. I am not judging people who do it, just to make that clear, but i have never seen in my 4 years a happy relationship that practiced it.
I encouraged her to stick to her principles, even if it means taking the road less traveled. It is not a good idea to let societal norms dictate our life choices, whether it's for a boss, a friend, or a lover…
She hit me with the most absurd reasoning, parroting the same lines her boyfriend fed her. I could see it in her eyes, the sorrow, the strain of trying to believe her own words. "I'm the main pie," she said, "he just wants to taste a few others, but I'll always be the main dish. It's for the longevity of our relationship," she repeated.
Here's the deal, folks… When I talk about the loss of values in the Bay Area, I mean moments like these. So, here's advice for all of you tuning in, stay true to yourself, no matter what people say, even if everyone practices it, you are you.. walk away when your values are not aligned from the person you like, love, admire, or follow… you do not have to do something you do not want…!
Remember where you came from, hold onto those values close, and don't let the pressures of conformity sway you. Have the courage to stand out and be different…
Thank you for taking the time to read and engage with this heartfelt piece. Stay tuned for more thought-provoking content coming your way soon!
Natalia Cortes. San Francisco, October 2022
